The Secret Diary of John McCain | John McCain tells it like it is, or at least how he'd like it to be

Steer Clear of Queers

When it is light outside, anyway.

Wednesday, January 19th
11:05am

Dear Heterosexual Diary,

I don't see why everyone thinks I need to apologize to the queers. I mean it is not like I said anything all THAT wrong, I just think that they should not have all the same rights as everyone else. I know that doesn't seem like a good thing to say but I mean look at me - I am living the straight life. Oh sure, in the navy when it was a total sausage fest I might have stuck my wiener where it didn't belong but I am living the good life now with Cindy. I like boobs diary, and I want everyone to know that. If I ever even let on that I was okay with homosexuals in the military then my previous corn hole actions might have been called to attention - and, c'mon, I don't want that. Besides, all of this drama provides great conversation in the Republican bath house - well, when we get any talking done.

I think "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is a great way for anyone to live their lives - why do either, you know?

Oh man I just thought of a great campaign for any of the Bush dynasty that might run for office - heh, "Got Bush". Oh shucks that is a good one I need to share that with Cindy when she is sober. I guess that is all for now.

Thank you for listening,

Johnny "Bottom Boy" McCain

Ancient history, my friend.

Friday November 21^st

5:02PM

Dear Diary,

Have returned to Senate. Keeping low profile. Fortunately Sen. Clinton too busy chasing position in Mr. I-Guess-By-Change-He-Meant-Bring-Back-Entire-Friggin’-Clinton-Administration’s cabinet to make disparaging comments. Had dreaded run-in with John Kerry, but luckily Sen. Kerry just complained about how he—despite longstanding support for That One—is not being considered for Secretary of State. Considering he is fellow Vietnam War hero, Sen. Kerry really quite a whiny baby.

Have been FAR too busy to speak to reporters; beyond return to day job, have been occupied RF-ing Letterman by granting first post-election appearance to Leno, suing rock stars, planning 2010 Senate campaign (watch out, Strom Thurmond, oldest senator record is MINE. Got another good 30 years left in me) and securing electoral victory in the great state of Missouri (hey, better late than never).

Also discovered spectacular new website Goodbye.us, in which American People can send Dear John-style letters to George W. Wrote own letter on napkin and asked Meghan to type and submit anonymously; am quite confident no one will guess it was mine.

Maverick, over and out.

John

If phase 1 is denial, what phase is the blame game?

Thursday November 6^th

9:15AM

Dear Diary,

Top Reasons We Lost Election (As Was Obviously Completely and Totally Not My Fault)

By John S. McCain

Liberal Media You-Tube-Sensation Elite; in particular, I blame Obama girl and the Hey Sarah Palin guys.

Fraudulent claims that “Original Maverick” was actually some guy named Samuel Augustus Maverick. Sam, I’ve got news for you—refusing to brand your cattle does NOT make you a maverick. Taking on own Party establishment and choosing running mate’s name out of a hat, now THAT’S mavericky. There’s only one Original Maverick, and that’s this guy right here.

Oprah.

Due to overwhelming complaints over usage of songs at campaign rallies and lack of openly Republican musicians, forced to select Heidi Montag’s “Higher” as official song. Cindy’s choice of Heidi’s “Overdosin” unanimously vetoed by campaign staff.

Blatant plagiarism of memoir title by opponent. I mean “Dreams from my Father”? Sound suspiciously like…Faith of My Fathers?! (Oh wait—Rick says Mr. Yes-We-Can-Hope-For-Audacious-Dreams published his four years before mine. Told Rick ‘What are you still doing here, please go home to your family” Rick said “I have no one left but you”).

The color red. Am completely baffled as to why GOP would choose international symbol of communism as official Party hue. CNN viewers likely thought “red” states being overrun by China. Also not very helpful when attempting to paint opponent as socialist.

Dreading return to Senate. Hillary Clinton and John Kerry will be even MORE condescending than they always are, if that’s possible.

Maverick, over and out.

John

WTF America?!

...

Twas the night before the election, and the campaign's almost done; y'all better vote GOP tomorrow, cause Sarah's got a gun

Monday November 3^rd

8:20PM

Dear Diary,

It’s finally here. The day I’ve been waiting for, all these long 72 years. Everything set for tomorrow. Caribou Barbie Governor Palin, following embarrassing Sarkozy prank call incident, voluntarily walked back into holding cell and handed over keys (in her defense, she’s probably never heard French accent before. Easy mistake). Even snuck in 11^th hour Monday/Saturday Night Live appearance for self and Gov. Palin, as it seems American People like me far better when making fun of self than when discussing anything remotely relevant to actual campaign.

Now Iâ??ll admit, polls arenâ??t exactly screaming McCain domination, but there are certainly still ways this old Maverick could get that ninth inning walk-off home run. Current idea is to keep youth from voting by paying Comedy Central to run all-day-no-commercial-breaks Colbert Report/Daily Show election special, as younguns would be too enthralled in absorbing every witty Stewart and Colbert quip to bother leaving sofa to vote. Ran idea by Rick, but he says only Mr. Needs-To-Do-Some-Squats has that kind of money to throw around on TV spots. Hmmmm. Youâ??d think marrying beer heiress would come with more perksâ?¦

Anyway like I said, all set for election day tomorrow, biggest day of my life. Only problem is, have been secretly informed that I myself have indeed already voted, and for Barack Obama . Must have been another Ambien sleepwalking episode. Hope this doesnâ??t come back to haunt meâ?¦

Maverick, over and out

John

my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills'

Saturday November 1^st

11:58PM

Dear Diary,

Shotgunned five Red Bulls in order to stay awake for Saturday Night Live appearance; heart has not yet stopped racing, but am convinced that possibly life-threatening caffeine overdose well worth free publicity. As said on show: may not have money for extensive TV spots like Mr. Officially-Achieved-More-TV-Coverage-Than-Michael-Phelps, but I know what’s important in election this year. Issues? Nah. Experience? I wish. Voice of young America has spoken, and voice says election will be determined by complex algorithm taking into account quantity + quality of Saturday Night Live appearances. And people say I’m not “in tune” with today’s youth! I’ve got news for them: I'm down. I've got the 411. My momma didn't raise no foo'.

Relented to Cindyâ??s persistent pleading to appear alongside self on SNL. Beginning to feel Cindy extremely jealous of popularity achieved by GILF Gov. Palin. Also suspect Cindy, like most of America as well as Alec Baldwin, completely unable to distinguish between Tina Fey and future Vice President of America.

Maverick, over and out.

John

The maverick out-mavericked

Tuesday October 28th

3:31PM

Dear Diary,

Darn it all! Pageant Runner-Up Governor Palin employed beauty queen tactics to dazzle holding cell guards into letting her waltz out of captivity; is now running amuck through nation, refusing to answer calls or recite key phrases we spent WEEKS forcing her to memorize. Rumors she is setting self up to be next leader of Party and thus seeking break from party leaders before her, meaning ME . Absurd! I would NEVER ever be so disrespectful to the party establishment that came before me, as they are ones who keep us where we are and ergo deserve utmost respect and reverence.

In other news, seven text messages from George W. just this morning asking if I am still alive; has been fearing heart attack due to failure to respond to his many inquiries. Told intern to reply that John doesn’t know how to use new-fangled SMS dealybopper. Or e-mail. Or phones. Ha! Liberal Media Elite spends so much time ragging on my advanced age, George may just believe it. After all, the man has fallen for some pretty ridiculous stories.

But back to Gov Palin—the nerve of that woman! Well, she can count out my endorsement.

Maverick, over and out.

John

Attack of the average Joes

Friday October 24^th

1:31PM

Dear Diary,

Currently touring highly volatile swing states on “Joe the Plumber Tour”. Shot down Rick for questioning title of tour; he claims “nation tired of you stuffing Joe the Plumber down throats”. Pshaw! Joe the Plumber connects with the people, as is working hero symbolic of oppression middle class will suffer at hands of Mr. Attended-Two-Ivy-League-Schools. Well—he’s symbolic at least, as Joe the Plumber actually Joe Lieberman in disguise. But that is NO excuse for media to create all sorts of lies about how Joe the Plumber’s name not actually Joe, how Joe the Plumber's complaints about Barack's tax plan invalid because he actually doesn't pay taxes, how Joe the Plumber not actually a plumber.

Desperately wish I could tell American public that Joe does not actually existâ??was in fact planted as part of complex campaign strategyâ??and subsequently expose media lies, but have feeling that strategy would backfireâ?¦

Maverick, over and out.

John

P.S. Referenced Joe the Plumber six times in this entry (now 7!) Almost up to speech quota. Gov. Palin complaining Toddâ??s drinking buddies have switched drinking keyword from â??maverickâ? to â??Joe the Plumberâ? and subsequently dropping like flies (up to 8!). Hmm you think those Joe-Six-Pack types would be able to hold their liquor...

Jesus H. Christ wasn’t Jesus HUSSEIN Christ

Tuesday October 21^st

6:06PM

Dear Diary,

Many rumors thrown around that opponent is actually Messiah returned to earth in second coming (encouraged by Barack himself, no doubt) Little does Senator Bill-Ayers-BFF realize he is a False Messiah; as Jesus himself predicted, "false Christs and false prophets will arise and will show great signs and wonders, so as to mislead, if possible, even the elect” (Matthew 24:24)

Also little does democratic ticket know I was careful not only to seek out TRUE messiah, but to include her on my ticket…

Think about it! Makes complete sense. Both Jesus and Governor Palin came from backwater towns of great empires; Nazareth being small and unimportant “bump in the road,” basically Wasilla of New Testament times. Both baptized into public ministry by older, prophet-like figures named John. Liberal Media Elite clearly Pharisees of modern times, persecuting Messiah for His (Her) message that end of days is at hand.

I know Gov. Palin has taken lot of flack for belief apocalypse is nigh, but look at evidence! The “end” supposed to be preceded by “Tribulation”; if current worldwide economic crisis isn’t tribulation, I don’t know what is. God clearly reveals his will through her, as she knows He was real driving force behind Iraq war (NOT Cheney) and commands us to build pipeline in Alaska .

Plus, if Alaska is truly refuge for faithful at end of days, will be useful to have someone in White House who knows her way around the state.

Maverick, over and out.

John

Don’t worry, Tina—WHEN I become president, I’ll gladly send you to Mars (you too, Colin)

October 19^th, 2008

1:43 PM

Dear Diary,

As not a debate night, was unable to force self to stay up late enough to see Governor Palin on Saturday Night Live. Luckily (or unluckily) Daughter Meghan said nearly every website on internets posted video, and was able to pull one up for me this morning.

Sarah strutting around Straight Talk Express like proud Alaskan peacock; is quite taken with popularity and meeting Marky Mark from the Funky Bunch. Don’t get me wrong, SHE did fine; probably her most articulate TV appearance to date. But what she didn’t pick up on is everyone around her on show still making fun of her. Definitely hasn’t learned lesson yet that not all press is good press, especially as most showbusiness controlled by Liberal Media Elite.

Am grateful at least she showed good judgment in refusal to perform choking-on-stereotypes Alaska rap, instead sung by about-to-pop Amy Poehler. Unfortunately am still having to talk her out of adopting it as new theme song (though heaven knows campaign running low on song choices). Also pleased by Governor’s limited screentime with Tina Fey, as Tina’s comments in press exceedingly hurtful. Guess what, Tina? If you’re that ready to leave earth if (when!) I'm elected, I’ll call up some NASA friends and make sure the rocket ship is ready.

Colin Powell announced endorsement of Barack this morning. Was expecting this, despite 25 years of close friendship, inherent camaraderie as men of the military, and fact General Powell is registered Republican and thus betraying his party. Am unconcerned. His support at this key moment would have jeopardized current underdog status. If I know one thing about the American People, I know they love the underdog.

Maverick, over and out.

John

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